there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I am midnight drunk by noon
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
