The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
