There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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