he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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