sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
