this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
