i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
