he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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