Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
