My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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