Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
