I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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