The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
