You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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