I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
