I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
