I murdered the dance floor call the cops
wakey wakey hands off snakey
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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