Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
