I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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