Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
