Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
