Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
