I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
only you would photoshop your dick
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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