No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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