Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
