I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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