YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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