I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We don't watch enough power rangers
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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