My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
