So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
