I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
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