We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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