I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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