I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
