What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
