didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
