Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
