the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
