I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Randomize
