Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
