don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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