I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Randomize
