God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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