By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
