My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
