I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
