What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
