did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
