did you get engaged???
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
