Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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