I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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